Dr. Trent Wankham…..Dr. Phil
Announcer: [ ovr SUPER ] The following award-winning medical drama was first broadcast in 1951. Before Squinty, before Mar-cuss Weltby, before Dr. Kiker, there was..
[ show title card ]
“Trent Wankham, Penis Doctor”!
[ dissolve to scene in hospital room, close-up on an athletic photo of Dick in action, surrounded by lubricant used for porno ]
[ camera pans over to reveal Dick cooped up in bed, his wife by his side using cellphone porn with her hands down her pants ]
Dick: Ohh, darling, I can’t tell you what it does for me to have you by my side.
Wife: [ sighs ] I just wish there was more I could do, darling.
Dick: No, I’m in good hands, they say Dr. Wankham is the best penis doctor in the business.
[ music cues up ]
Dr. Trent Wankham: Dick?
Dick: Yes, Doctor.
Dr. Trent Wankham: [ a pause ] Maybe you’d better watch a porno before I go any further.
Wife: Oh, darling, I forgot – I brought your iPad with pornotube app installed! [ pulls out the iPad ]
Dick: Is it really that bad? Oh, darling, what would I do without you? [ Jenna Jameson fumbles to find the app on Rock Hudson’s iPad ] Probably.. find my own porntube. [ the page is finally opened ] Give it to me straight, Doc!
Dr. Trent Wankham: Dick, there’s no way around it. Somehow, you’ve contracted.. Penis Fever!
Wife: Why? Why him?!
Dick: Doctor! Do you have any idea how this could have happened?
Dr. Trent Wankham: All we know is that, somehow, the Penis Fever germ got into your system. It could have been from something you ate, something you drank.. even from shaking the hand of a stranger with Penis Fever!
Dick: Does this mean I.. I won’t be able to screw in the big pornathon?
Dr. Trent Wankham: It’s too early.. it’s too early to tell.
Wife: [ between tears ] What difference does it make..? So what if you win another trophy, another silver cup to stick up on the mantlepiece, to put your porno in?! We’re talking about your life here!
Dr. Trent Wankham: Megan.. may I have a word with you?
Wife: Please excuse us, darling.
[ they step aside ]
Dr. Trent Wankham: [ solemn ] I’m afraid I’ve done all I can. [ sighs ] God knows how many nights I’ve stayed up – drinking coffee, wanking to porno…reading the medical journals, trying to find the answer to this Penis Fever riddle! [ a beat ] Now it’s in the Lord’s hands.
Wife: There’s something else, Doctor.. [ gulps ] I’m going to have Dick’s baby!
Dr. Trent Wankham: Well, congratulations! Here. [ hands her a vibator ] Allow me. [ puts in batteries ] Stick it in deep – you’re orgasms are for two now!
[ Nurse enters with a cart full of pornmags and hands down her pants, masturbating ]
Nurse: Lubricant refills! [ collects Dick’s empty pump lube bottle ] More lube for you sir?
Dick: Uh.. thank you.. you’re very kind.
Dr. Trent Wankham: Nurse!
Nurse: Yes, Dr. Wankham?
Dr. Trent Wankham: Do you distribute lube to other patients of this ward?
Nurse: Yes, Dr. Wankham.. if they want it.
Dr. Trent Wankham: And is this lube pasteurized before each distribution?
Nurse: No, doctor.. we simply scoop the lube out of a moldy vat in the hospital basement, then put it in this big, polished glass container to make it look attractive.
Dr. Trent Wankham: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Here’s your culprit!
Dick: [ shocked ] Dirty lubricant?!
Dr. Trent Wankham: [ dramatic ] Dirty, Penis Fever-infested lubricant!
[ music sting ]
[ dissolve to product sponsor page ]
Anouncer: “Trent Wankham, Penis Doctor” is brought to you by.. Penis King, pasteurized benzine-based lubricant. Because germ-free wanking is worry-free wanking.
[ fade ]