A Hairy History Lesson

Confucius looking down at a plate of food thinking, "If I only didn't have such a long beard, I could probably eat that."

Confucius looking down at a plate of food thinking, "If I only didn't have such a long beard, I could probably eat that."

Most people think that Confucius died of old age. This isn’t true at all. In fact, it was because Confucius had a long beard and the beard blocked him from eating food that he starved to death.

Jesus starving and complaining that he can't eat properly because His beard is blocking the entry of food into His mouth

Jesus starving and complaining that he can't eat properly because His beard is blocking the entry of food into His mouth

Many think that Jesus died on the cross. This is also not true. Jesus Christ had a very nice beard, which incidentally also gave Him problems when trying to eat. Christ also starved to death.

Uncle Jeebers starving in restaurant because beard is blocking food while customers in the background have already cleaned their platesMany people ask me, Uncle Jeebers, how I can eat with a beard like this. I respond that I’m in the process of starvation, because obviously having a beard makes it too difficult to eat. I never thought that hair should follow nutritional cravings, so I chose beard possession over food consumption.

 

In politics, Osama Bin Laden died in 2001 at the age of 44 from beard-induced starvation, much to the consternation of the yankees who wanted to blame him for 911. And Qaddafi still lives, thanks to shaving and a healthy diet of chopped up camels and onions.

Many other people look around and notice that

  • almost every man in the old days – even all the way back to prehistory – had beards, with only a few clean-shaven ones left walking around on golf courses today and
  • all of those bearded men are now dead

This leads us to the obvious conclusion that our male ancestors died of beard-block-induced starvation.

This poor women of the old days just hoes around the back yard because her long skirt prevents her from going to the supermarket

This poor women of the old days just hoes around the back yard because her long skirt prevents her from going to the supermarket. Unfortunately as of this date she has already passed away from starvation.

Women, on the other hand, all died out from wearing long skirts, which which made it difficult for them to walk to the grocery store, thus starving them out. They also did not have their legs propped up by high-heel shoes and had no bras to hold their breasts, which meant that their breasts fell down and they found it even harder to walk, breasts bobbling in front of their legs the whole time.

Thankfully in the modern era men and women are smarter than ever before. Today’s man shaves his face in the morning, knowing perfectly well that it will grow back by 17:00 the same day. He wouldn’t do something so stupid as to just have a beard and then starve because of it.

And today’s woman no longer wastes so much material on skirts. In the year 1892 alone, over two million tons of cotton were wasted on long skirts ^[citation needed] which could have been used to feed starving Pygmies in Africa (who have absolutely no money to waste on clothes).

Thankfully all modern people are smarter than these superstitious, silly people, and all of us are alive and healthy.

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2 Responses to A Hairy History Lesson

  1. WELL JUMPIN’ G HOSS’ehPHAT!
    I have a mustache! …………I may die of dehydration!!!!…OR ASPHYXIATE!!!!
    WHAT AM I TO DO!!!!!!!???????

    A+ on you, good post!

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