Commonwealth Games, India

India hype typically comes from three corners: 1. Pro-English people 2. Pro-democracy people and 3. Misguided religionists. For one, Hindus do not speak English, and most of them don’t even speak Hindi. Second, India is in anarchy as Hindus care for nothing outside of their own homes. Third, if only one percent of all Hindus actually practiced some religion, you’d think that someone would lay a sewer pipe for cryin’ out loud.

To illustrate this conundrum, I’ve made a graphical parody of the Commonwealth Games that were held in Delhi.

hindu pee pool with cowpie and swimming stray dog

The first round of games started at the olympic-sized swimming pool of questionable sanitary merit. Divers found extra competitive challenge when called to avoid cow pies and swimming stray dogs.

Hindu cow leaping

As there are no trees left in the desert known as India, the Olympic Cowmittee, Delhi, could not provide wooden balance beams for the gymnasts. Instead they were allowed to do their routines on stray bulls, while avoiding human feces, litter and cowpies as extra punishment for falling off the bull. A great scandal ensued when Russian gymnast Slutolina Skankokovich was discovered to be 14 years under the 16 year age limit. Hindu authorities say that the case has been brought to court, and she will be duly tried ninety years later when India’s massive and impressive democratic bureaucracy brings it to light. It’s precisely this amazing democracy that will make India’s economy surpass China’s in coming years.

Tight Hindu security

Hindu security was tight as ever when suddenly a mini-nuke exploded in the middle of a soccer field, causing an earthquake fault which swallowed up one of the players, injuring several others and otherwise providing great entertainment for the three spectators in the stands. Security was so tight that there were as many security guards as spectators present. One of the spectators, a stray bull, was watching us as if to ask for help before it is tortured to death for its holy hide. Signs can be seen everywhere encouraging littering, which boosts employment in the street sweeping sector. Street sweepers also ensure their continued employment by only coaxing the litter with grass fans, instead of brutally forcing the litter into pans and bins.

The Hindu dung put

No one had a better time than Alexey Berelchestyovich who competed in the new Hindu game, “The Dung Put.” For the dung put, one picks up the dung with heavily-dusted hands, so the dung doesn’t stick to the hands and give one’s curry extra flavor when smooshing it up with rice on his plate when having dinner later. Not that we’re saying cow dung is dirty or anything, though. Don’t wanna offend brown jews – I mean, Hindus.

Hindu groping finals

All groping medals were taken by Hindus, who swept the finals on Saturday. They’ve practiced groping over thousands of years of history as a method of testing their ever-vigilant brahmacharya.

big hindu groper

This Sanjay Dupak’s ferocious groping technique sends two-year-old American Gymnast Sally Rumpkin flying backwards, causing the massively small audience to bobble their heads like dashboard ornaments.

Bowling ball attacks racquetball games

Lively racquetball games continued after a giant bowling ball fell from the ceiling during the Commonwealth games held in Delhi, sending players backward in shock. No one was injured except for the 34 people who fell into the floor that had subsequently caved in afterward and reported missing. Four others were rushed away from the local hospital for treatment for broken bones and other injuries which were incurred while trying to exit the door which was locked from the outside by a sliding bolt. Some reported the ball fell from a tree that was being cut down outside in order to make more racquetball court floors, which India desperately needs right now. The lights around the complex were flashing constantly, but experts say this was unrelated to the bowling ball attack – it’s because they wire their lighting with split cables.

Aside from exploding toilets, lack of a national language, lack of central government, lack of clean food, an epidemic of septic pollution in drinking water, having over 500 different languages and races, and extreme religious hypocrisy, India is right on the heels of China in development.    -AP

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5 Responses to Commonwealth Games, India

  1. hauptzer says:

    I, for one, welcome our new Indian overlords.

    • janoklark says:

      You think they’re takin’ over?

      • hauptzer says:

        The article had me laughing so I spontaneously paraphrased Homer Simpson.

        At the same time I dont think its an immutable fact we westerners will always will be the top players. But maybe the Indian are at least a bit better at inventions compared to the chinese? Just look at all the IT jobs they are outsourcing to India.

    • janoklark says:

      When I was in India I saw one modern computer, and that was for the whole Ashram I was staying in. The rest were things I was using when I was ten, back in the 80’s. Dot matrix printers, too. You hear a lot about how Indians are getting big into programming and computers, but you don’t see it if you go there.

      The critical issue with India is that it isn’t a real country. It isn’t unified and it won’t last very long, IMO.

  2. The part about the brahmacharya groping had me in stitches and so did the final paragraph.

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